After all of the trays were empty, the monkey scurries down the bar and leaps across to the pool table where he snatches up the cueball sticks it in his mouth and swallows it. The bartender says to the man “Hey man, you know what your monkey just did now?” The man says “naw, what?” The bartender says “Your monkey. First, he ate all my olives, then my lemons and cherries…. and now he’s ate my cueball.” the man said “Don’t suprise me none, little turkey eats everything in sight. Like I said, Don’t worry I’ll pay for anything he eats.” The man finishes his drink, pays the bartender, grabs the monkey and leaves.

Two weeks later the same man re-enters the bar with the monkey on his shoulder and orders a beer. The monkey scurries down the bar to the trays, he stops at a tray of cherries and looks at them closely. Then he picks up a cherry, reaches around and shoves the cherry up his butt. Then he pulls it out and eats it. The bartender said “Oh my word, Did you see what your monkey just did?” The man said “See what?” The bartender said “Your monkey, he just shoved one of my cherries up his butt then ate it!” The man chuckled and said “Don’t suprise me none, ever since he ate that cueball, he likes to measure everything first.”

The litigator responded, “I shot a duck and it fell into this field, and now I’m going to retrieve it.”

The old farmer replied, “This is my property, and you are not coming over here.”

The indignant lawyer said, “I am one of the best trial attorneys in the US and if you don’t let me get that duck, I’ll sue you and take everything you own.”

The old farmer smiled and said, “Apparently, you don’t know how we do things in Texas. We settle small disagreements like this with the Texas Three-Kick Rule.”

The lawyer asked, “What is the Texas Three-Kick Rule?”

The farmer replied, “Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up.”

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer’s groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly wiped the man’s nose off his face. The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer’s third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, “Okay, you old coot! Now, it’s my turn!”

The old farmer smiled and said, “No, I give up. You can have the duck!”

This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow and is curious about his sudden change in ‘fashion sense.’

The man walks up to him and says, ‘I didn’t know you were into earrings.’

‘Don’t make such a big deal, it’s only an earring,’ he replies sheepishly.

His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to say, “So, how long have you been wearing one?”

“Ever since my wife found it in my car.”

Ever Ready condoms – keep going and going.
Macintosh condoms – It does more, it costs less, it’s that simple
Pringles condoms – once you pop, you cant stop
Burger king condoms – Home of the whopper
Goodyear condoms – for a longer ride go wide
FCUK condoms – no comment required.
Muller light condoms – so much pleasure, but where’s the pain.
Flash condoms – Just sit back, relax and let Flash do all the hardwork.
Hanfords condoms – we go the extra mile.
Royal Mail condoms – I saw this and thought of you.

Andrex condoms – Soft, strong and very very long
Renault condoms – size really does matter!
Ronseal condoms – does exactly what it says on the tin
Ronseal quick-drying condoms – its dry and waterproof in about 30 minutes
Domestos condoms – gets right under the rim!!!
Heineken condoms – reaches parts that other condoms just cannot reach
Carlsberg condoms – probably the best condom in the world
Mars condoms – a condom a day helps you work rest and play
AA Condoms – for the 4th emergency service
Pepperoni condoms – its a bit of an animal
Polo condoms – the condom with the hole!!! (VERY poor seller!!!)

After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, “So you’re a man, that’s interesting. I’m a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There’s nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days.”

The man replied,” I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God.

The woman continued, “And look at this, here’s another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn’t break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.” Then she hands the bottle to the man.

The man shakes his head in agreement, opens it and takes a few very large swigs from the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.

The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.

The man asks, “Aren’t you having any?”

The woman replies, “No. I think I’ll just wait for the police.

9. “This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in that time management course you sent me to.”

8. “Whew! Guess I left the top off the Whiteout. You probably got here just in time!”

7. “I wasn’t sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm.”

6. “I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance.”

5. “I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Are you discriminatory toward people who practice Yoga?”

4. “Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem.”

3. “The coffee machine is broken…”

2. “Someone must’ve put decaf in the wrong pot…”

and the #1 best thing to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk…

1. ” … in Jesus’ name. Amen.”

Right, time to collect some more stuff to put up, and they’ll be online in the next day or two!

-The Joker